Workin on me. I'm workin on it.

I've realized that when I feel HURT......I show my pain in the most unflattering of ways at times. I lash out. I cuss out. I storm out. I "Black" out! 

In recent months I've been trying to work on THINKING before I speak......this to some, may be OBVIOUS or even an EASY task. For me, it is not. I realize that I am quicker to speak/react than I am to THINK about the INTENTION of others, which often leads to to miscommunication (or NO communication).

Recent events in my life have given me the opportunity to change these bad habits. While I can't promise they will happen quickly, I certainly can assure ANY & EVERYONE concerned that I will DEFINITELY work to achieve this new and better way of thinking and living. It can ONLY be beneficial to both those I care about and to me.

I cannot promise not to backslide, or that this change will affect my view on certain things. It is just a promise that I'm making to MYSELF, to attain being a better person as a whole. 

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” 

― Leo Tolstoy

~xo

A Child is NOT An 18 Year Commitment

It amazes me that men can make the decision to have a child with someone, and then go running as soon as times get hard.
You made a decision to bring a life into this world, and because of that, the dynamics of your relationship will ALWAYS change. Women will ALWAYS be resentful of the fact that men have the option to do as they please, and women are expected to just be MOTHERS. And by "just a mother" I mean, please reference the included photo.
So when a man decides his "shift" is over, it's a slap in the face to the woman, thus causing issues ELSEWHERE in the relationship. Combine this with the OTHER stresses of a relationship, PLUS the two of you raising a child. This COULD BE a recipe for disaster. But, if a couple TAKES THE TIME to TRULY listen to their partner, take what they're saying into account, be responsible for their own actions, and REALLY think about what made them fall in love, and make the decision to START A FAMILY, this whole process would be MUCH EASIER on EVERYONE.
But couple rarely do this. They get angry, argue, say things they don't mean, and don't put effort into maintaining the balance & harmony of their relationship.
People often say that just because two people had a child together, doesn't mean they belong together as a couple. Well shouldn't that decision be made FIRST? A CHILD is a PERMANENT decision to make based upon TEMPORARY feelings. And the child doesn't deserve a BROKEN family because the parents ALL OF A SUDDEN can't get along.
I would NEVER say I regret my child, or even his father, because it was a decision that I chose to make. Nor will I EVER, EVER speak NEGATIVELY about my child's father to him. It doesn't help anything, and our relationship should not reflect on our son.
But the fact that we can no longer get along because of the circumstances of LIFE? THAT is what I regret. Because no matter how cordial or polite we are to one another, our child will ALWAYS be reminded that our love was not strong enough to make us remain a family.
At least that was MY view for a VERY LONG as a child, and I felt that it was BECAUSE OF ME that my parents weren't together. That's a HEAVY load for a CHILD to bear.
And even when I spoke to my mother about it, telling her my thoughts, nothing she said could make me feel otherwise.
It wasn't until I got much older that I recognized that it was because of my father's indiscretions that we weren't a family, but it took a LONG time to realize that.
I just hope that those who make the decision to have a child together, remember that the child ultimately is a reflection of THE TWO OF YOU, and a LIFELONG commitment. Contrary to popular belief, a child is NOT an 18 year contract. So, if you don't think you can be with the other person for LIFE, you probably SHOULDN'T have a child with them.

~xo

Insecurity (found online)

This shyt describes me almost to a "T".

~xo

Ughhh

It's a shame that the ONE person I wanna talk to most is the same person who I can't seem to talk to without fighting.

~xo

This, right here.......

Life Is 2 Live: 80/20 Rule

It Hurts

....and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time....

~xo

One Sentence

To be accused of something you know you didn't do, or to have your actions misconstrued, can potentially be the most hurtful things one can ever endure.......™

~xo

Frenzied Thoughts (originally written June 2011)

If everything happens for a reason, can somebody please explain this?
I know what I want (or at least I thought I did) and this is NOT it.
I've gone through my life making choices and choosing paths set for me by others; living to please parents, teachers, friends, society....
But when I began to live for myself and do what is right for me, everything around me shattered.
The cracked glass is now in millions of pieces and each step I try to take will only make a bigger mess.
There is no way out.
I talk to myself and try to convince myself that I can do it--I can clean it up--but my mind is racing almost as quickly as my heart.
The two of them seem to be in competition to see which one can kill me first.
My thoughts are on overdrive, but scrambled and difficult to understand, like a digital cable channel.
My heart is re-introducing itself to my lungs, who are now realizing that they must wake up and join the race too (at least try to keep up!)
And now, as they all begin to set a steady pace, I am left to reconsider my direction.

~xo

Unfinished (Numero Dos)

My heart will always hold a place for you that no one else could ever fill.
Your arms make me feel safe & protected in a way I've never felt before.
I rely on your approval--even for the smallest things.
We have come so far, so fast...I can't imagine letting you go.
I don't think you truly understand how great my love for you is.
Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I really care and how much I need you in my life.
It seems that my insecurities are what holds us where we are.
But my thoughts terrify me into thinking that where we ARE is where we'll ALWAYS be.
I go through stages where I can't help but pour my heart out to you....and I don't care how silly it makes me look to tell you my true feelings.
At the same time, I want you to feel the hurt I feel....
Your indifference is like a shot to my heart.
We see things so differently at times.....
I fear that a common ground will never be met.
For a woman to be without her man....a family without its father....
To feel that all the love I am capable of sharing will go unreciprocated....
Kills me softly.

Untitled

I lay next to him, eyes closed and comforted by his embrace.
He softly traces the outline of my body.
Starting first with my face.....
From eyes, to nose, to lips-continuing from neck to shoulders, to arms, to breasts; then back, to belly.
Such a tender, sweet caress from such a tough exterior.
And I wonder what it is.
So much passion and intensity fills us both.
Whether in anger or the physical flip side when the anger has subdued.....
But right now there is no hostility.
Only a gentle hand and a willing body are present here.
The way he touches me....
I am convinced the persona he portrays conflicts with what he actually embodies.
The man laying here holds my body close.
I wonder what he's thinking.......

~xo

At A Loss......

I constantly seem to be thinking...
The wheels are ALWAYS in motion.
And I don't know if it's so much "thinking" as it is worrying.
It's hard when all you want to do is be happy, and part of your dreams are that those around you are happy as well.
And sometimes you feel as if their happiness rests on your shoulders.
I try so hard....and I wonder why.
I realize I'm often in a parallel between trying to be myself and what others want me to be. I have yet to find out if they are one in the same.
If I were to take the advice of others, I would be selfish and do only what makes me happy.
But how do I make ME happy, and satifsy the wants and needs of those closest to me; when their happiness is essentially what completes me???
It is an endless cycle...one in which I battle with myself daily.
Usually the external me wins.
The internal me continues to strive for a different outcome, forcing the fighter inside of me to be defeated once again.
I can't explain it.
But one day I will make sense of it all.
Or maybe I won't.
I can only hope to obtain a better understanding of myself, and in turn hope that those around me will continue to love and accept me for the woman I have become, instead of the girl I once was.

~xo

Unthinkable (I'm Ready) ~Alicia Keys

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Moment of honesty...
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight.
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me.
If you have something to say, you should say it right now (You should say it right now) You ready?
You give me a feeling that I never felt before...and I deserve it, I think I deserve it. (Let it go)
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore...and I can't take it.
I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?
If you ask me, I'm ready...
If you ask me, I'm ready.
I know you once said to me: "This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be." Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually? If we gon' do something 'bout it We should do it right now (We should do it right now)
You give me a feeling that I never felt before...and I deserve it, I know I deserve it.
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore.
(It's what we make it.)
I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?
Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I'm sayin; If you ask me, I'm ready, I'm ready. If you ask me I'm ready.
Why give up before we try? Feel the lows before the highs...
Clip our wings before we fly away...
I can't say I came prepared... I'm suspended in the air... Won't you come be in the sky with me...?
I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?
Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I'm sayin; If you ask me I'm ready, I'm ready. If you ask me, I'm ready...
If you ask me, I'm ready...
If you ask me, I'm ready...

~xo

Fear

I am so afraid.
Afraid I won't be enough.
Or good enough for you.
Maybe I'm not pretty enough.
Or smart enough.
Skinny enough.
Understanding enough.
I often wonder (and worry) what this or that means.
And I'm afraid my worst fears are right.
I'm afraid I won't show you I care enough...or in the right way.
I can't express to you how my deepest fears are exactly what hold me back from being what I want and need to be (in this situation).
I'm so afraid to put myself out there and go all in--because I'm afraid you will show me the side of you that I'd always hoped wasn't (but I feared was) there.
And how can I be assured that my feelings aren't unwarranted?
This could be an unfair balance...I could be tipping the scales in my direction with no basis for doing so.
I try to pull back and inhibit the way I feel.
But my fears keep me in a constant succession of struggling...all in an attempt to prove my worth to you; all the while maintaining in my mind that it doesn't matter to me how you feel, because it's not important anyway.
But I know that is nowhere near true.
I want so much for you to realize what I am already feeling.
But I'm so afraid you won't feel it too.

~xo

Not the end of the world....but it hurt so bad

While the rest of the world moved busily about, I sat and watched.
My mind raced as quickly as everyone around me, but my body sat perfectly still.
Tears flowed like a river; it felt like they were creating a tidal wave. Everyone got swept up and washed away in it; except me.
Eyes cloudy, vision blurry--from the tears that wouldn't stop flowing.
The pain, hurt, and anguish was almost, if not completely, unbearable.
I thought of all that I'd been through and thought, I must be able to make it.
The pain I feel now is nothing.
Thoughts of my past and struggles I'd overcome before can now only serve as further motivation.
I will not be broken.
But I was in a fog. Unable to clear it, even with tears. Everything else was washed away but that pain.
It could only be heightened and otherwise magnified as tears dropped from big, brown eyes, to flushed and rosy cheeks, to trembling chin.

~xo

So, like.....yeah.

Sometimes I just get tired. I want answers. And I want them now.

"...Got no patience, and I hate waitin..." --Like Hov.

When I ask a question, why is it that there always has to be a delay before I can get my answer? But you want what you want, when you want it, and God forbid you don't get it.
Pssshhh....I don't want to know.

But I do want to know what's next? Where does this ride take us?

I'm just trying to "know my role", and "play my position", and as my homie pointed out, "stay in my lane". LOL...he didn't even know what he was commenting on, but it fits.

Can I be honest?

I want to be with you.

See, I know you don't think we're ready, but I'm ready & willing to try. I guess I feel that there's no time like the present.

I just need you to understand that I'm not perfect and that we both have things we need to work on in order to make things work; this is true even if we are to maintain our current situation...
We are all works in progress, so it's not fair to either one of us to expect perfection in any way from one another.

I'm not trying to make waves. I want things to continue on a positive path. I'm aware that there will be some bumps along the way, but are you? Are you ready to turn and run at the first sign of trouble?

I'm just afraid of what will happen going forward...is it going to be easier or harder.....?

~xo

Endless Love

It's like a quintessential dream when we're together; laughing and touching.

I love the way you protect me from the world and keep me safe from life.

You're my warmth and comfort throughout the long days and your arms compel me to yearn for longer nights.

When I wake at night and feel the softness of your lips against mine unexpectedly--it makes my heart flutter.

I often wonder if this thing is what it seems, or if our minds are protecting us from ourselves.

You make me crazy! (¡Usted me hace loca!)
...and I can't understand what it is.

Sometimes I just want to run and scream and hide and cry.
My mind is going a million miles a second.

But what I think about you...
Something different.

You can't be the one for me, because you're not perfect.
You're unexpected.
Unreal and unrealistic.

At the same time, what if you are exactly what I need and I am what you were put on this earth to find?

Maybe we compliment each other in ways that neither of us will ever understand.

Or maybe our understanding is already so intense that our souls are already linked and destined to be together!

Because when I think of you, I automatically smile and feel warm.

And just when I thought it was finally over--you come back and love me, again.

~xo

March 21, 2006 or An Open Letter to J.L.

My heart let you go today.
Though my mind can't seem to loosen it's grip quite yet.
You still have a place inside this big heart of mine, but, it let you go.
You no longer have ownership of it, whether you were aware you ever even had it or not.
Oh yes.
You didn't realize you had something so special that no one else in this world EVER possessed? And maybe to you, it isn't all that valuable, but in my eyes, there is nothing held in higher regard or more sacred.
No, in this world there is nothing more sacred that I own....and DAMN, I didn't realize I gave it to you and you didn't even want it!!
So what does that mean?? What do I do now? Keep it under lock and key and only hope the next one values it the way I do???

~xo