At A Loss......

I constantly seem to be thinking...
The wheels are ALWAYS in motion.
And I don't know if it's so much "thinking" as it is worrying.
It's hard when all you want to do is be happy, and part of your dreams are that those around you are happy as well.
And sometimes you feel as if their happiness rests on your shoulders.
I try so hard....and I wonder why.
I realize I'm often in a parallel between trying to be myself and what others want me to be. I have yet to find out if they are one in the same.
If I were to take the advice of others, I would be selfish and do only what makes me happy.
But how do I make ME happy, and satifsy the wants and needs of those closest to me; when their happiness is essentially what completes me???
It is an endless cycle...one in which I battle with myself daily.
Usually the external me wins.
The internal me continues to strive for a different outcome, forcing the fighter inside of me to be defeated once again.
I can't explain it.
But one day I will make sense of it all.
Or maybe I won't.
I can only hope to obtain a better understanding of myself, and in turn hope that those around me will continue to love and accept me for the woman I have become, instead of the girl I once was.

~xo

Satisfaction

Like a sharp knife.
It cuts.
Through the air and the atmosphere.
It scrapes and burns and she thinks she feels the heat of fire and ice all at once.
It runs deep inside of her.
She hopes and falls to her knees prays that it doesn't affect her but it does.
As much as she tries to ignore the pain, it gets more intense.
The sound outside of that door is closer, louder and becoming more obnoxious and she can't take it!!

The more she tries to block it out, the more it seems to pursue her.
It grows and grows--the sound is deafening and the pain is unbearable.

And then she looks down.

Blood is dripping.

And she smiles.

Satisfaction.

~xo