Fear

I am so afraid.
Afraid I won't be enough.
Or good enough for you.
Maybe I'm not pretty enough.
Or smart enough.
Skinny enough.
Understanding enough.
I often wonder (and worry) what this or that means.
And I'm afraid my worst fears are right.
I'm afraid I won't show you I care enough...or in the right way.
I can't express to you how my deepest fears are exactly what hold me back from being what I want and need to be (in this situation).
I'm so afraid to put myself out there and go all in--because I'm afraid you will show me the side of you that I'd always hoped wasn't (but I feared was) there.
And how can I be assured that my feelings aren't unwarranted?
This could be an unfair balance...I could be tipping the scales in my direction with no basis for doing so.
I try to pull back and inhibit the way I feel.
But my fears keep me in a constant succession of struggling...all in an attempt to prove my worth to you; all the while maintaining in my mind that it doesn't matter to me how you feel, because it's not important anyway.
But I know that is nowhere near true.
I want so much for you to realize what I am already feeling.
But I'm so afraid you won't feel it too.

~xo