Unfinished (Numero Dos)

My heart will always hold a place for you that no one else could ever fill.
Your arms make me feel safe & protected in a way I've never felt before.
I rely on your approval--even for the smallest things.
We have come so far, so fast...I can't imagine letting you go.
I don't think you truly understand how great my love for you is.
Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I really care and how much I need you in my life.
It seems that my insecurities are what holds us where we are.
But my thoughts terrify me into thinking that where we ARE is where we'll ALWAYS be.
I go through stages where I can't help but pour my heart out to you....and I don't care how silly it makes me look to tell you my true feelings.
At the same time, I want you to feel the hurt I feel....
Your indifference is like a shot to my heart.
We see things so differently at times.....
I fear that a common ground will never be met.
For a woman to be without her man....a family without its father....
To feel that all the love I am capable of sharing will go unreciprocated....
Kills me softly.

Fear

I am so afraid.
Afraid I won't be enough.
Or good enough for you.
Maybe I'm not pretty enough.
Or smart enough.
Skinny enough.
Understanding enough.
I often wonder (and worry) what this or that means.
And I'm afraid my worst fears are right.
I'm afraid I won't show you I care enough...or in the right way.
I can't express to you how my deepest fears are exactly what hold me back from being what I want and need to be (in this situation).
I'm so afraid to put myself out there and go all in--because I'm afraid you will show me the side of you that I'd always hoped wasn't (but I feared was) there.
And how can I be assured that my feelings aren't unwarranted?
This could be an unfair balance...I could be tipping the scales in my direction with no basis for doing so.
I try to pull back and inhibit the way I feel.
But my fears keep me in a constant succession of struggling...all in an attempt to prove my worth to you; all the while maintaining in my mind that it doesn't matter to me how you feel, because it's not important anyway.
But I know that is nowhere near true.
I want so much for you to realize what I am already feeling.
But I'm so afraid you won't feel it too.

~xo