Frenzied Thoughts (originally written June 2011)

If everything happens for a reason, can somebody please explain this?
I know what I want (or at least I thought I did) and this is NOT it.
I've gone through my life making choices and choosing paths set for me by others; living to please parents, teachers, friends, society....
But when I began to live for myself and do what is right for me, everything around me shattered.
The cracked glass is now in millions of pieces and each step I try to take will only make a bigger mess.
There is no way out.
I talk to myself and try to convince myself that I can do it--I can clean it up--but my mind is racing almost as quickly as my heart.
The two of them seem to be in competition to see which one can kill me first.
My thoughts are on overdrive, but scrambled and difficult to understand, like a digital cable channel.
My heart is re-introducing itself to my lungs, who are now realizing that they must wake up and join the race too (at least try to keep up!)
And now, as they all begin to set a steady pace, I am left to reconsider my direction.

~xo

Unfinished (Numero Dos)

My heart will always hold a place for you that no one else could ever fill.
Your arms make me feel safe & protected in a way I've never felt before.
I rely on your approval--even for the smallest things.
We have come so far, so fast...I can't imagine letting you go.
I don't think you truly understand how great my love for you is.
Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I really care and how much I need you in my life.
It seems that my insecurities are what holds us where we are.
But my thoughts terrify me into thinking that where we ARE is where we'll ALWAYS be.
I go through stages where I can't help but pour my heart out to you....and I don't care how silly it makes me look to tell you my true feelings.
At the same time, I want you to feel the hurt I feel....
Your indifference is like a shot to my heart.
We see things so differently at times.....
I fear that a common ground will never be met.
For a woman to be without her man....a family without its father....
To feel that all the love I am capable of sharing will go unreciprocated....
Kills me softly.

Random thoughts for 2010

I'm not one of those people who has to reflect on the past year because we're in the first days of a new year.

I also didn't make a resolution on January 1st I knew I wouldn't be able to stick to.

In all honesty, I've already been changing some small things in my own ways over the last couple of months.

I've already begun to realize that in order for me to be happy, I have to change certain things about the way I view things and the way I treat/react to others.

My anger has always been an issue for me, but I've realized as of late that it is essential for me to take time to stop, breathe, and think, before I react to any situation. It is the only way to ensure that I likely won't do or say something that I might regret in the heat of the moment.
I admit, in no way have I done a complete 180 in this aspect, either. There have already been many times in which I thought I was handling a situation better than I have in the past, which still turned out to have escalated because of my anger. This is a daily struggle with me, and I thank God daily for those whose who are by my side and coping along with me.

I've also been trying not to judge others. This is not as easy as it seems. There are many times when considering the choices, lifestyles, situations, etc. of others, that it is easier to say what the person in the situation SHOULD be doing. It comes naturally to most of us. However, we rarely see ourselves make the decisions we so easily bestow upon others when we are faced with similar challenges.

I've also been trying to read & write more (again). I've always felt a connection to words....whether through music, books, or my own musings. TV these days is focused so much on "reality"; and the "dumbing down" of America....I'm surely a victim.

My posts here are trying to serve as not only somewhat of an "online diary" but as a vehicle for me continue to grow mentally. If nothing else, I hope to document my life as it plays out, for as long as I continue to keep this up. It shall serve as an ongoing reflection of my life, and I hope it shows me my true self (as I've noticed it already does).

I hope that those of you reading this blog enjoy my randomness LOL and help to inspire me to continue on my journey......

~xo