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About Me

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I'm just a young-at-heart, 30ish chick who lives for my family, friends, and the weekends!!! Writing is my passion....and music speaks to my soul.....



I have a half-sister (that I've always known about)....but today I found her Facebook page. I want to get in touch with her, but I'm kinda nervous about what her reaction might be.

The story I've always gotten (from my mom--and I guess kinda my dad) was that this girl's mom never wanted to be apart of my dad's I kinda figure that maybe SHE might not want to meet me. I mean, I have no idea what types of things her mother has told her about my father, our family, etc.

She might be fine with not knowing ME. But I'm curious to know about HER. I mean she IS my sibling......



Unfinished (Numero Dos)

My heart will always hold a place for you that no one else could ever fill.
Your arms make me feel safe & protected in a way I've never felt before.
I rely on your approval--even for the smallest things.
We have come so far, so fast...I can't imagine letting you go.
I don't think you truly understand how great my love for you is.
Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I really care and how much I need you in my life.
It seems that my insecurities are what holds us where we are.
But my thoughts terrify me into thinking that where we ARE is where we'll ALWAYS be.
I go through stages where I can't help but pour my heart out to you....and I don't care how silly it makes me look to tell you my true feelings.
At the same time, I want you to feel the hurt I feel....
Your indifference is like a shot to my heart.
We see things so differently at times.....
I fear that a common ground will never be met.
For a woman to be without her man....a family without its father....
To feel that all the love I am capable of sharing will go unreciprocated....
Kills me softly.


Mirage (by XoxoHoneyBee)

It must have been a dream

The way you held me in your arms

I must have merely imagined

You said you'd always keep me safe from harm

It was surely just a haze

A crazy blaze of fiery passion

Burning up my heart

I misunderstood as you promised me

That our paths would never part

Never again will I trust a kiss

That rocks me to my core

I will never trust a smile so sweet

It leaves me hooked and craving more

For you must have been a spirit

Sent to shatter all my dreams

A dark angel sent to throw me to a pit

Where the only sounds are hopeless screams

For now I walk the desert

Dry as bones bleaching in the sun

Just remnants of a lonely fate,

A future dead and done.

Emotions shifting quicker than

The gritty sand beneath my feet

Determination spilling over me,

A doom I won't repeat

As I lift a hand to shade my eyes

Surprise shocks me to a pause

Could it be imagination was the one and only cause?

I look off into the depths

No sign of him, no trace of us

For it was all merely a mirage

An apparition encased in dust...



I can't keep crying these tears.....
Not knowing what you're thinking.....
Because your words and your actions convey two separate messages.
I can't deny that my words and actions may parallel that same thought.
But the pain I feel based on your conflicting ways is unbearable.
You shut me out, and I am left with nothing but memories.
I choose to remember the positive, and that hurts even more....
How can a person that made my heart so light and happy, now make me feel so heavy, yet empty at the same time?
How did we go from serious discussions of a future, to not even being able to hold a conversation?
How did these emotions come to fruition at all?
I am wondering.....which should I believe? Your words, or your actions?


Heaven and Hell

Questions go unanswered....
Is it because there are no answers to give, or because there is nothing to say?
I can't stand this feeling.....
I bounce between being on cloud nine and a plateau of indifference.
I don't blame you or suppose these things are necessarily your fault.
They are likely a manifestation brought about by my own thoughts and emotions.
How to channel this into a positive situation is a daily struggle for me.
I can't stand this non-communication, but the miscommunication is sometimes worse.
.....because as we are both attempting to make our feelings known, we often end up hurting one another in the process.
How do we get past this?
Or do we remain here, between Heaven and Hell?
Heaven being our ideal exsistence....
Hell being us, separately exsisting.
So for now, we remain here, in Purgatory.....JUST EXSISTING.



Why is it so hard to care about somebody?
Why is it so difficult to open up and let all the feelings flow?
Sometimes it is nearly impossible to let go and let someone in.
There are so many things to say......many more things to we'd like to show......but something stops us every time.
The fear is present, and very real.
Apparently it makes our decisions for us.
We take small steps, all the while anticipating the worst.
Imagine that pleasanr surprise when the release of emotion yields positive results!
Then, slowly but surely, emotions take over.
Then it is these feelings that cloud our judgment.....and they take over, making our decisions for us.

And then, we are hurt.



Thoughts of a Lover

Have you ever found yourself trying to find that perfect balance between too much and not enough?
Staring into an endless sky and counting the infinite stars.....
Wondering if, as you are gazing into the constellations, and wishing, you have the same hopes and dreams as your lover?
What is it about sharing the most intimate moments-the most passionate of circumstances-that makes us believe we are somehow intertwined in a way that connects us like no one else?
But, have you never felt more alone than when you were together?
An emptiness fills your heart and a shallowness embodies your soul....
When exactly does the excitement end and monotony begin?
At what point do we lose each other until it dwindles down to nothingness?
Friends become lovers, lovers become enemies, enemies become strangers.....
The game we play is a cycle, which spins us in a circle that ends only when one of us is determined to be the winner.


I've been featured!!

Just a quick shout out to djLtwo (follow him on twitter)!!

One of my poems has been featured on a new portion of the site [ ] ...they will be featuring writers and models weekly.

*If you fit the criteria of either of the above, hit up (and tell him I sent you!!)




I lay next to him, eyes closed and comforted by his embrace.
He softly traces the outline of my body.
Starting first with my face.....
From eyes, to nose, to lips-continuing from neck to shoulders, to arms, to breasts; then back, to belly.
Such a tender, sweet caress from such a tough exterior.
And I wonder what it is.
So much passion and intensity fills us both.
Whether in anger or the physical flip side when the anger has subdued.....
But right now there is no hostility.
Only a gentle hand and a willing body are present here.
The way he touches me....
I am convinced the persona he portrays conflicts with what he actually embodies.
The man laying here holds my body close.
I wonder what he's thinking.......



Random thoughts for 2010

I'm not one of those people who has to reflect on the past year because we're in the first days of a new year.

I also didn't make a resolution on January 1st I knew I wouldn't be able to stick to.

In all honesty, I've already been changing some small things in my own ways over the last couple of months.

I've already begun to realize that in order for me to be happy, I have to change certain things about the way I view things and the way I treat/react to others.

My anger has always been an issue for me, but I've realized as of late that it is essential for me to take time to stop, breathe, and think, before I react to any situation. It is the only way to ensure that I likely won't do or say something that I might regret in the heat of the moment.
I admit, in no way have I done a complete 180 in this aspect, either. There have already been many times in which I thought I was handling a situation better than I have in the past, which still turned out to have escalated because of my anger. This is a daily struggle with me, and I thank God daily for those whose who are by my side and coping along with me.

I've also been trying not to judge others. This is not as easy as it seems. There are many times when considering the choices, lifestyles, situations, etc. of others, that it is easier to say what the person in the situation SHOULD be doing. It comes naturally to most of us. However, we rarely see ourselves make the decisions we so easily bestow upon others when we are faced with similar challenges.

I've also been trying to read & write more (again). I've always felt a connection to words....whether through music, books, or my own musings. TV these days is focused so much on "reality"; and the "dumbing down" of America....I'm surely a victim.

My posts here are trying to serve as not only somewhat of an "online diary" but as a vehicle for me continue to grow mentally. If nothing else, I hope to document my life as it plays out, for as long as I continue to keep this up. It shall serve as an ongoing reflection of my life, and I hope it shows me my true self (as I've noticed it already does).

I hope that those of you reading this blog enjoy my randomness LOL and help to inspire me to continue on my journey......



Unfinished (February 5, 2010)

I feel like I'm losing you.
Like you're slowly slipping away.
Or maybe you're unintentionally being pushed.
Maybe what is happening inside my head and my heart are colliding with reality.
And somehow, what we were beginning to create is already slowly fading away.
And I don't know why that scares me so much...
I wish you understood



At A Loss......

I constantly seem to be thinking...
The wheels are ALWAYS in motion.
And I don't know if it's so much "thinking" as it is worrying.
It's hard when all you want to do is be happy, and part of your dreams are that those around you are happy as well.
And sometimes you feel as if their happiness rests on your shoulders.
I try so hard....and I wonder why.
I realize I'm often in a parallel between trying to be myself and what others want me to be. I have yet to find out if they are one in the same.
If I were to take the advice of others, I would be selfish and do only what makes me happy.
But how do I make ME happy, and satifsy the wants and needs of those closest to me; when their happiness is essentially what completes me???
It is an endless in which I battle with myself daily.
Usually the external me wins.
The internal me continues to strive for a different outcome, forcing the fighter inside of me to be defeated once again.
I can't explain it.
But one day I will make sense of it all.
Or maybe I won't.
I can only hope to obtain a better understanding of myself, and in turn hope that those around me will continue to love and accept me for the woman I have become, instead of the girl I once was.



Unthinkable (I'm Ready) ~Alicia Keys

Music Playlist at

Moment of honesty...
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight.
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me.
If you have something to say, you should say it right now (You should say it right now) You ready?
You give me a feeling that I never felt before...and I deserve it, I think I deserve it. (Let it go)
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore...and I can't take it.
I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?
If you ask me, I'm ready...
If you ask me, I'm ready.
I know you once said to me: "This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be." Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually? If we gon' do something 'bout it We should do it right now (We should do it right now)
You give me a feeling that I never felt before...and I deserve it, I know I deserve it.
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore.
(It's what we make it.)
I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?
Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I'm sayin; If you ask me, I'm ready, I'm ready. If you ask me I'm ready.
Why give up before we try? Feel the lows before the highs...
Clip our wings before we fly away...
I can't say I came prepared... I'm suspended in the air... Won't you come be in the sky with me...?
I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us look crazy?
Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I'm sayin; If you ask me I'm ready, I'm ready. If you ask me, I'm ready...
If you ask me, I'm ready...
If you ask me, I'm ready...




I am so afraid.
Afraid I won't be enough.
Or good enough for you.
Maybe I'm not pretty enough.
Or smart enough.
Skinny enough.
Understanding enough.
I often wonder (and worry) what this or that means.
And I'm afraid my worst fears are right.
I'm afraid I won't show you I care enough...or in the right way.
I can't express to you how my deepest fears are exactly what hold me back from being what I want and need to be (in this situation).
I'm so afraid to put myself out there and go all in--because I'm afraid you will show me the side of you that I'd always hoped wasn't (but I feared was) there.
And how can I be assured that my feelings aren't unwarranted?
This could be an unfair balance...I could be tipping the scales in my direction with no basis for doing so.
I try to pull back and inhibit the way I feel.
But my fears keep me in a constant succession of struggling...all in an attempt to prove my worth to you; all the while maintaining in my mind that it doesn't matter to me how you feel, because it's not important anyway.
But I know that is nowhere near true.
I want so much for you to realize what I am already feeling.
But I'm so afraid you won't feel it too.