One Sentence

To be accused of something you know you didn't do, or to have your actions misconstrued, can potentially be the most hurtful things one can ever endure.......™

~xo

Frenzied Thoughts (originally written June 2011)

If everything happens for a reason, can somebody please explain this?
I know what I want (or at least I thought I did) and this is NOT it.
I've gone through my life making choices and choosing paths set for me by others; living to please parents, teachers, friends, society....
But when I began to live for myself and do what is right for me, everything around me shattered.
The cracked glass is now in millions of pieces and each step I try to take will only make a bigger mess.
There is no way out.
I talk to myself and try to convince myself that I can do it--I can clean it up--but my mind is racing almost as quickly as my heart.
The two of them seem to be in competition to see which one can kill me first.
My thoughts are on overdrive, but scrambled and difficult to understand, like a digital cable channel.
My heart is re-introducing itself to my lungs, who are now realizing that they must wake up and join the race too (at least try to keep up!)
And now, as they all begin to set a steady pace, I am left to reconsider my direction.

~xo

OMG...................

I have a half-sister (that I've always known about)....but today I found her Facebook page. I want to get in touch with her, but I'm kinda nervous about what her reaction might be.

The story I've always gotten (from my mom--and I guess kinda my dad) was that this girl's mom never wanted to be apart of my dad's life.....so I kinda figure that maybe SHE might not want to meet me. I mean, I have no idea what types of things her mother has told her about my father, our family, etc.

She might be fine with not knowing ME. But I'm curious to know about HER. I mean she IS my sibling......

???????????????????????????????????????????

Unfinished (Numero Dos)

My heart will always hold a place for you that no one else could ever fill.
Your arms make me feel safe & protected in a way I've never felt before.
I rely on your approval--even for the smallest things.
We have come so far, so fast...I can't imagine letting you go.
I don't think you truly understand how great my love for you is.
Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I really care and how much I need you in my life.
It seems that my insecurities are what holds us where we are.
But my thoughts terrify me into thinking that where we ARE is where we'll ALWAYS be.
I go through stages where I can't help but pour my heart out to you....and I don't care how silly it makes me look to tell you my true feelings.
At the same time, I want you to feel the hurt I feel....
Your indifference is like a shot to my heart.
We see things so differently at times.....
I fear that a common ground will never be met.
For a woman to be without her man....a family without its father....
To feel that all the love I am capable of sharing will go unreciprocated....
Kills me softly.

Mirage (by XoxoHoneyBee)

It must have been a dream

The way you held me in your arms

I must have merely imagined

You said you'd always keep me safe from harm

It was surely just a haze

A crazy blaze of fiery passion

Burning up my heart

I misunderstood as you promised me

That our paths would never part



Never again will I trust a kiss

That rocks me to my core

I will never trust a smile so sweet

It leaves me hooked and craving more

For you must have been a spirit

Sent to shatter all my dreams

A dark angel sent to throw me to a pit

Where the only sounds are hopeless screams



For now I walk the desert

Dry as bones bleaching in the sun

Just remnants of a lonely fate,

A future dead and done.

Emotions shifting quicker than

The gritty sand beneath my feet

Determination spilling over me,

A doom I won't repeat



As I lift a hand to shade my eyes

Surprise shocks me to a pause

Could it be imagination was the one and only cause?

I look off into the depths

No sign of him, no trace of us

For it was all merely a mirage

An apparition encased in dust...

Confusion

I can't keep crying these tears.....
Not knowing what you're thinking.....
Because your words and your actions convey two separate messages.
I can't deny that my words and actions may parallel that same thought.
But the pain I feel based on your conflicting ways is unbearable.
You shut me out, and I am left with nothing but memories.
I choose to remember the positive, and that hurts even more....
How can a person that made my heart so light and happy, now make me feel so heavy, yet empty at the same time?
How did we go from serious discussions of a future, to not even being able to hold a conversation?
How did these emotions come to fruition at all?
I am wondering.....which should I believe? Your words, or your actions?

~xo

Heaven and Hell

Questions go unanswered....
Is it because there are no answers to give, or because there is nothing to say?
I can't stand this feeling.....
I bounce between being on cloud nine and a plateau of indifference.
I don't blame you or suppose these things are necessarily your fault.
They are likely a manifestation brought about by my own thoughts and emotions.
How to channel this into a positive situation is a daily struggle for me.
I can't stand this non-communication, but the miscommunication is sometimes worse.
.....because as we are both attempting to make our feelings known, we often end up hurting one another in the process.
How do we get past this?
Or do we remain here, between Heaven and Hell?
Heaven being our ideal exsistence....
Hell being us, separately exsisting.
So for now, we remain here, in Purgatory.....JUST EXSISTING.

~xo