Not the end of the world....but it hurt so bad

While the rest of the world moved busily about, I sat and watched.
My mind raced as quickly as everyone around me, but my body sat perfectly still.
Tears flowed like a river; it felt like they were creating a tidal wave. Everyone got swept up and washed away in it; except me.
Eyes cloudy, vision blurry--from the tears that wouldn't stop flowing.
The pain, hurt, and anguish was almost, if not completely, unbearable.
I thought of all that I'd been through and thought, I must be able to make it.
The pain I feel now is nothing.
Thoughts of my past and struggles I'd overcome before can now only serve as further motivation.
I will not be broken.
But I was in a fog. Unable to clear it, even with tears. Everything else was washed away but that pain.
It could only be heightened and otherwise magnified as tears dropped from big, brown eyes, to flushed and rosy cheeks, to trembling chin.

~xo

So, like.....yeah.

Sometimes I just get tired. I want answers. And I want them now.

"...Got no patience, and I hate waitin..." --Like Hov.

When I ask a question, why is it that there always has to be a delay before I can get my answer? But you want what you want, when you want it, and God forbid you don't get it.
Pssshhh....I don't want to know.

But I do want to know what's next? Where does this ride take us?

I'm just trying to "know my role", and "play my position", and as my homie pointed out, "stay in my lane". LOL...he didn't even know what he was commenting on, but it fits.

Can I be honest?

I want to be with you.

See, I know you don't think we're ready, but I'm ready & willing to try. I guess I feel that there's no time like the present.

I just need you to understand that I'm not perfect and that we both have things we need to work on in order to make things work; this is true even if we are to maintain our current situation...
We are all works in progress, so it's not fair to either one of us to expect perfection in any way from one another.

I'm not trying to make waves. I want things to continue on a positive path. I'm aware that there will be some bumps along the way, but are you? Are you ready to turn and run at the first sign of trouble?

I'm just afraid of what will happen going forward...is it going to be easier or harder.....?

~xo

When Rain Falls....

Watching the flame dance in a glowing candle holder; reminiscing of a far away lover...
Contemplating past decisions and wondering whether to call them regrets or successes...

Peering out of the window only reminds her of her fears.
All that she is afraid of is on the other side of that glass...

She watches as the rain floods the street, imagining that she, her life--is swept up in the water as well.
She is swept up in the swelling oasis and washed away.

She imagines being able to start over.

The floods have washed away that old girl, and she emerges as a new woman.

~xo

Quote of the day.........

"Hip Hop need some female rappers with some lyrical substance not lyrical barbie bullshit..."

( In reference to the next "hot" thing Nicki Minaj by my homegirl...btw check out her blog @ http://beautifulfashionsmoothie.blogspot.com/ )

I COMPLETELY co-sign this, just for the record....Damn, what happend to Lauryn Hill, MC Lyte, and Queen Latifah???? Oh yeah....I forgot, they weren't "sexy" enough..........thoughts?

~xo

Endless Love

It's like a quintessential dream when we're together; laughing and touching.

I love the way you protect me from the world and keep me safe from life.

You're my warmth and comfort throughout the long days and your arms compel me to yearn for longer nights.

When I wake at night and feel the softness of your lips against mine unexpectedly--it makes my heart flutter.

I often wonder if this thing is what it seems, or if our minds are protecting us from ourselves.

You make me crazy! (¡Usted me hace loca!)
...and I can't understand what it is.

Sometimes I just want to run and scream and hide and cry.
My mind is going a million miles a second.

But what I think about you...
Something different.

You can't be the one for me, because you're not perfect.
You're unexpected.
Unreal and unrealistic.

At the same time, what if you are exactly what I need and I am what you were put on this earth to find?

Maybe we compliment each other in ways that neither of us will ever understand.

Or maybe our understanding is already so intense that our souls are already linked and destined to be together!

Because when I think of you, I automatically smile and feel warm.

And just when I thought it was finally over--you come back and love me, again.

~xo

Satisfaction

Like a sharp knife.
It cuts.
Through the air and the atmosphere.
It scrapes and burns and she thinks she feels the heat of fire and ice all at once.
It runs deep inside of her.
She hopes and falls to her knees prays that it doesn't affect her but it does.
As much as she tries to ignore the pain, it gets more intense.
The sound outside of that door is closer, louder and becoming more obnoxious and she can't take it!!

The more she tries to block it out, the more it seems to pursue her.
It grows and grows--the sound is deafening and the pain is unbearable.

And then she looks down.

Blood is dripping.

And she smiles.

Satisfaction.

~xo

In The Beginning....

Unappreciated and underrated.
You say what you think I wanna hear...
at the right time, but to the wrong effect.
I can't understand why.
Is it really supposed to be acceptable?
When will I be worth more than a few empty words to make me blush?
I wanted to talk to you and get to know you.
Instead I got a wall....
Show me more of you and maybe we can begin something better than what we have.
I believe your past is what is dictating your present and possibly yours, mine, and our future.
I keep telling you to let me in, but you keep this guard up.
How long can we continue this...?

~xo

Promise

Seems like that was so long ago.
I made that promise to keep that secret.
Save it and never break it.
You can only share that secret once.
It will never be told again.
But I can't seem to keep that secret.
I keep telling the wrong people.
And it gets me in trouble.
And it gets me in trouble.
It gets me in trouble.
The secret got out. And it caused more trouble.
And it caused more trouble.
And it caused more trouble.
But I apologized. And I cried!
I wonder if I didn't apologize--
How much trouble would I really be in?

~xo

March 21, 2006 or An Open Letter to J.L.

My heart let you go today.
Though my mind can't seem to loosen it's grip quite yet.
You still have a place inside this big heart of mine, but, it let you go.
You no longer have ownership of it, whether you were aware you ever even had it or not.
Oh yes.
You didn't realize you had something so special that no one else in this world EVER possessed? And maybe to you, it isn't all that valuable, but in my eyes, there is nothing held in higher regard or more sacred.
No, in this world there is nothing more sacred that I own....and DAMN, I didn't realize I gave it to you and you didn't even want it!!
So what does that mean?? What do I do now? Keep it under lock and key and only hope the next one values it the way I do???

~xo

March 20, 2006 or Hate to Love

The past year has been nothing but your face.
Your laugh.
Your smile.
Your touch.
Your eyes twinkling and you teasing......
Some of the littlest things you did made the biggest impact on me--and I bet you didn't even know it.
Because of you, I loved hard, but hurt even harder.
I thought I would never move past this.
But.
The feelings that I had are slowly but surely changing and evolving.
In love to love to hate to love again.
Maybe I can love again.

I can love again.

~xo

Phones Don't Swim--Or Do They???

So since I was sad about my new short hair, I decided to join my homegirls (who shall remain nameless) in a drink on Saturday night.

We went to this place for some dude's birthday that my homegirl knew and to start off, it was EMPTY as SHYT....we decided a couple of drinks would be the key to a fun and silly night. Well my homegirl must have had a few too many, because as I'm putting on my lip gloss in the mirror, I hear her yell, "Oh shyt!" and turn around to see my poor little Blackberry in the toilet!!!! I IMMEDIATELY reach in (Thank GOD she had already flushed LOL so it was just toilet water) and grab my phone. Luckily, there was a hand dryer in the bathroom, so right away I took the battery out and stuck the phone under there. (My friend is in her own little drunk world at this point and I'm LMAO because I'm pretty tipsy myself.)

It didn't work properly for the rest of the night, but by Sunday evening, it seemed to be back in pretty much working order! Now I have to buy a new Media Card though, because I think they set the phones so that if you drop your phone in liquid you can't lie about it LOL....the little slot where the card goes is steadily flapping open when I take the battery out :smh:

Well, thank God that's all that was lost!! (Except for a few pics)

Ahhhhh......FML

~xo

OMG....I CUT MY HAIRRRRR!!!!!!

Sooooooo....I'd been thinking bout getting my hair cut...nothing drastic, nothing major. If anyone has seen that chick Charity (I think that's her name) on Diddy's show on MTV "Making His Band"--well that's the style I was going for.
Short, but not outrageous.



Well Friday nite was my appointment, so after having butterflies in my stomach ALL day from anticipation, I sat down in the stylists' chair.
He was all gung-ho about this; I told him what I wanted (I thought I made it EXTREMELY clear)

THIS is what I ended up with:






Ummmmm....yeah. Soooooo that's not what I asked for! But what was I supposed to do, pick it up off of the floor and throw it back on my head??? I can't lie, I cried myself to sleep over it Friday night.

But, I have no choice but to rock the hell out of it until it grows back! (Or become a weave queen again LOL!)

xo

Drinks on deck.......

Alllllll weekend...LOL......

Friday

Friday night was "Ladies Nite". Went out with my homegirl Kristen and her friend Laura.
We did the local thing and went to Ashes. Good times! (I think, LOL) I don't remember much (is that bad?)
I do, however, remember running into a guy that looked like one of my exes (ugghhh). That was a lil weird.
I also remember some big, ugly dude yelling at me to keep it moving down the stairs. Ummm, who does this guy think he is?? Doesn't he know NOBODY yells at me?! And in Ashes, no less. All the bouncers are my homies; so like who does this guy think he is?? Come to find out he does actually work there and supposedly is a "nice guy". Hmmph. I'll be the judge of that.....

Saturday

It was Melao with my Spanish counterparts LOL.....the night was a decent one...I got my salsa on and celebrated my homegirl's birthday (even though she didn't have a good time).
Somehow she ended the night in tears. (Still don't know what that was all about.)
The fire department came --I think it was literally too hot in the building! But that didn't stop our party!! We had a good time all in all...until the end of the night. :cough, cough: MOVING ON.....

So the weekend was decent, and to end it off productively, I got the part time job I had my eye on :)
So starting Wednesday, I'll be hostessing @ Carlos O'Connor's! Sweeeet.

~xo